Monday, September 29, 2014

Anatomy of a playdate



I've worked in the healthcare field for almost 10 years, so I know how gross kids can be. And I knew one day this day would eventually have to come.  I'm already borderline antisocial, but I figured this would be good for the baby, so why not?  Let me just tell you, these things are something else.
 
OMG. Nothing in the world can prepare you for the madness that is a playdate. I've now been on 3. And although my first one with my friend my high school & her son was good, the other two seriously had me contemplating if I would ever have Fallon around younger kids.
 
I set one up & pack nearly everything in my house Fallon could possibly need.
 
Scene 1: I am meeting with an old co-worker who has a son who is almost 3. I ring the doorbell, already nervous about the whole thing, when I hear her son SCREAMING inside & her yelling. Wow, this is starting off great already! She opens the door, and both have this forced smile on their faces.
 
She neglected to tell me her son has had a cold, "but it getting over it". WTF?! So glad I scheduled this. Her son comes running up to me, snot dripping down his nose & into his mouth, attempting to snatch Fallon out of my arms.
 
Disgusting. Fallon pushes him away, and he proceeds to wipe the snot off his nose onto his hands and place them all over my pants. I can't help but stare at the shiny, new crusty stain on my jeans. I look down at his hands, and there is dirt caked inside his fingers. INSIDE! How is that even physically possible???
 
Gross. Fallon eventually warms up to him & they began playing on the floor with all his action toys. My friend gets down on the ground with them. Fallon looks up at her & smiles, & she gives my baby a kiss! To make matters worse, her son sneezes snot everywhere & she wipes it with her hand then places Fallon's pacifier back into her mouth.
 
At this point, I am silently freaking out on the inside & telling myself to hide my facial expressions. I keep thinking about every possible bacteria & virus that have spread rapidly all over my baby & her things.
 
I am just so glad my baby is in tune with me. The minute I don't think I can stand any more grossness, Fallon starts rubbing her eyes & fussing. Its naptime & we out!



Scene 2: A friend & her 13 month daughter. House is beautiful, baby is adorable, & they are closer in age. Perfect, right? WRONG!

This little girl is a terd! And by terd, I'm being nice. She tried to nearly destroy every one of Fallon's things, including her outfit & bow.  Everytime she came around Fallon, she had this angry look & would rip whatever toy Fallon had in her hands out. I didn't know 13 month olds could possibly be that angry about life.

So glad my husband randomly called...we out!


These things get better with time, or so I've been told. Until then, we busy.



Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Hangry

Sweet sassy molassy, I'm starving! 
I was just about back to my pre-pregnancy size when I went back to work. Whomp, Whomp. . 
The stress of everyday life in the OR & not being with my baby had me eating my days away.  
I've got these last few stubborn pounds to lose & they ain't going away without a fight.  
I've been watching what I eat,  and throwing in some extra cardio, but man, I just really want a cheeseburger. No, make that a bacon cheeseburger. .. With fries.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Forgiving & forgetting

And I did just that. Ok, well that & some more. I had a few choice words to say, then I walked away. 

I haven't always had the best relationships with my husband's family. Some of it is my fault, yes, because I have a hard time letting people get close to me. But a whole other side to that is genuinely feeling like I wasn't accepted. We've been married for over 6 years, so this had been going on for a while. Sometimes it was a snarky remark,  or a flat out rude action that just really hurt.  

I would cry & complain to my husband, who of course, didn't see or hear any of it. That all changed when he finally heard a rude remark someone said around Christmas. It's about damn time, I kept thinking. But I also kept thinking, this is not how is supposed to be. 

It took me becoming a mother to finally stand up for myself. It was in there all along, but out of respect, I just kept my mouth closed & would just cry about it by the time we got home. Having Fallon has given me this overwhelming urge of protection, courage, and boldness.

It all started when someone demanded as much time with MY daughter as my mom did. I naturally dismissed her demands by flat out telling her that my mom will be who I go to first and foremost. Period. End of story. When pushed further, I finally had to come out & tell her we were not that close & that I didn't trust her. 

Holy sweet mother of fire did that set off the worst chain reaction. It escalated into her insisting on her knowing everything she had ever done to hurt me. 7 years down the road, there's a lot of hurt to discuss. Most of it was blown off by her or completely denied. So we really didn't get anywhere. Next thing you know, family functions are being missed because the thought of seeing her was just too much for me to bear. 
 
Time had passed by, the hurt was still there, but just put on the back burner. I was still keeping my distance, but still pissed at how this all started. As far as my husband was concerned, as long as he didn't have to deal or think about any of it, he was perfectly fine.

Father's day rolls around. I insisted that we do something with the two of them, as it felt like the right thing to do. My husband kept saying no, but I just kept telling him it needed to be done. Worst mistake ever. All it took was Fallon freaking out & crying before things just exploded. Next thing you know, the other person is crying & telling me how cold & rude I have been to her. To her! Seriously? ? This person has caused me so much pain & anguish over the last 7 years & it's all my fault! After trying to do the right thing, I end up getting yelled & cussed out. I'm the bad guy. Meanwhile my husband just stands there looking at the ground while I am just being attacked. 

I had never felt like giving up so bad in my life. I had just turned it my 2 weeks notice, my husband wasn't there for me when I needed him most, and my world felt like it was coming to an end. I felt like grabbing Fallon & running away. 

Word spread through both of our families like wildfire. Angry texts & phone calls, more fights, the family was torn. Guess who got all the brunt of it? That's right, me. No one said a word to my husband. I received all the hate. All I could is think, "how did it get this far? ??" Then I remembered. I stood up for myself.
I have yet to talk to either one of them since that day. And no things have not gotten better. The family is still torn. We've missed so many family functions, it's unbelievable. All because I was tired of being treated wrong. 

Sometimes I look back & think was it worth it? Should I have just kept my mouth shut? But what does that teach my child? To never stand up for yourself? 

I haven't been to church in a long time. I recently started attending again. Lo & behold, first sermon I come across, is about forgiveness.

Ugh. Really? I don't want to forgive them or the other family members that have taken their side. They suck. 

But every night, I take a deep breath & I pray for them. I pray that God blesses them. No its not easy, & when I sit & actually think about all of it, the tears and pain overwhelms me & I begin sobbing again. 

I felt like I did the right thing & honestly I'd do it all over again. All I can do is take it one day at a time until we can all learn to let it go.















Friday, September 5, 2014

A new beginning

A few months ago, my husband & I made the decision for me to be a stay at home mom. Trust me, although I was excited, I was also incredibly nervous. What about bills? Will I be happy?  Will I be bored? What am I going to do now? ? I've been working since I was 16, & to be almost 30 and have no job and income for the 1st time in my life was quite terrifying.

I was tired. Tired of the monotony of blue OR scrubs. Tired of charting.  Tired of the long drive. Tired of rushing out of there to make sure I picked her up in time. 

I made the move from night shift in the NICU to taking a daytime position with the anesthesia in the OR. The hours were great; no holidays, no weekends... But like they say, a baby changes everything. My husband was up for a promotion at his job,  & he kept reassuring me that once it happened,  I could stay home if I wanted.

Fallon was born & it was time for me to go back to work. That first week was horrible. I almost puked on the way to work I felt so sick. Months passed by & still no promotion. I began to be very resentful at my job. In fact, I was downright pissed almost everyday I went to work. I missed her so much. I would sit at work & look at pictures and videos & just cry. To top it off,  my husband told me staying home may no longer be an option as more medical bills just came piling through. 

By that point, I was devastated. I would rush home with her to spend a measly 30 minutes with her before she went down for a nap, ate & then went to bed. I didn't even know my daughter & my daughter didn't know me. 

Our finances barely caught up by the time he got his promotion. I picked a date, & set it in stone. That first week was something else. My poor baby didn't know what was going on. And quite frankly, neither did I. I had to learn to get this stay at home mom thing down & fast. It wasn't easy, I'm not going to lie. I had to learn to consolidate on a whole different level. In fact, I was still waking up at 5-6 am out of habit.     

But I can honestly say that I have never been happier. I remember one of the OR nurses telling me I was going to hate it & be completely bored. Lies & deceit!  I have yet to have one day where I've been bored. I now have the opportunity to "know" my baby. I see what makes her happy, I get to be there for her milestones. 

I can't even begin to describe how she makes my heart so happy. Instead of a blaring alarm clock at 0530, her coos and rattle shaking are now my alarm. She wakes up with a big smile on her face every morning & it just warms my soul. 

Being a SAHM is not easy & neither is working and trying to be a full time mom. To all you mothers out there still working, I salute you. I know it's hard.